


You’ll Never Know How Many Dreams I’ve Dreamed About You (Or Just How Empty They All Seemed Without You)

by the_girl_without_a_face



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Feels, Canon Compliant, DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED IT, F/M, M/M, Sad, Steve deserved better, bucky deserved better, endgame spoilers, one sided Stucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-08 17:33:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18627970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_girl_without_a_face/pseuds/the_girl_without_a_face
Summary: WARNING: ENDGAME SPOILERS. You have been warned.Bucky’s take on Steve staying in the past.Sad. Angst. Read at your own risk. #NotMySteveps. There'll be a happy AU about this scene soon, I promise.





	You’ll Never Know How Many Dreams I’ve Dreamed About You (Or Just How Empty They All Seemed Without You)

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT: hello, loves.
> 
> I watched the movie on Friday and wrote this Saturday. I posted it right away, without even proof-readding it firts. Now, though, I hope to have caught all mistakes.  
> Anyway, thank you all for reading!

“How long will it take?” Sam asked.

“However long it takes for him. About five seconds for us,” Banner answered.

Bucky knew it would be more.

_“You won’t come back, will you?” he had asked Steve privately after he offered to be the one to return the Stones. “What makes you think that?” Bucky hadn’t answered, just stared at the younger man until Steve sighed. “You always knew me better than anyone,” Steve had stated with a small, crooked smile. The one Bucky loved and was only reserved for him. Well, him and Peggy, he knew now. It shouldn’t hurt so much._

_“Were you planning on telling me?” He’d asked through greeted teeth. “Or would you just appear old, retired with a ring on your finger?” At Steve’s own silence, he didn’t need a spoken answer. Bucky had turn on his heels before Steve could see the tears, “What about “Till the end of the line", Steve?”_

_Steve sighed, but hadn’t moved closer. “This is the end of the line, Bucky.”_

Now, waiting for Banner to do the countdown, he didn’t breathe, feeling his heart beating harder at every number Banner announces.

“Five.”

 _Do what you gotta do, Steve,_ he thought to the time-travel platform, even though there was no one there anymore. _Just promise you’ll be happy._

“Four.”

_Because for as long as I can remember that’s all I wanted for you._

“Three.”

_I’m sorry I’m not enough for you._

“Two.”

_I’m sorry I’m so broken._

“One.”

_Please come back._

“Where is he?” Sam asked.

Truthfully, it was only fair. Bucky had left him so many times in the past. And Steve had always stood by, had always waited and greeted him back with open arms. Had always given him everything and more.

Until he had nothing left to give.

“Sam,” Bucky called, looking at the bench.

Bucky’s body was numb, his legs rooted to the ground and his eyes fixed on the old man. His hands shook inside his pockets.

“Go on.”

He had expected this. He knew this would happen. His mind was trained to look at a hundred scenarios at the same time, considering all possibilities. So, deep down, he knew. But hope was a bitch, wasn’t it?

Bucky had trained his mind for a long time now to give up hope, to just accept what life gave you and not expect more. Anything more. But it wasn’t until that moment that Bucky finally realized that he was cultivating it. There was a small, but oh so powerful, part of him that believed Steve would come back, that he wouldn’t stay.

Oh, how wrong he was.

“Try it on,” Steve told Sam, motioning to the shield.

Bucky composed his expression to nod reassuringly at Sam - another useful lesson from the Russians.

“How does it feel?” Steve asked.

Sam gave him a look, his arm still on the shield.

“Like it’s someone else’s.”

“Well, it isn’t.”

“What about…?” Sam looked at Bucky, almost lost. He could swear-

He shook his head and looked down.

Steve had never offered, though he once said Erskine should have picked Bucky for Project Reborn. He wondered briefly if Steve still thought that way, but quickly got rid of that idea. If he had, Steve would’ve offered him the shield. Bucky would have done anything for Steve, even picking up the shield. Bucky had had enough fights in his life already, but reentering the game wouldn’t be such a sacrifice if Steve asked.

“Do you wanna tell me about her?” Sam smirked, looking at the shiny, golden ring on Steve’s finger.

It reflected the light just as much as Bucky’s new arm and he almost laughed at the contrast of meanings.

Steve smirked. “No.”

Bucky let out a small sigh, relieved.

One day, he’d listen to everything Steve had to tell. But not today. Today it was still so fresh. Time heals all wounds, after all. Right?

Sam realized Bucky had stayed behind, just there, a presence. With a final look, he and Banner piled the equipment into the truck while Steve and Bucky still watched the lake, one sitting, one standing.

Eventually, “You coming?” Sam asked, door open, one foot inside the car. Banner was looking at him from his spot on the back of the truck.

Bucky shook his head and looked at the man on the bench.

“Not yet.”

Sam nodded before entering the car.

The sound of the car starting and leaving filled the surroundings for a minute; then Bucky and Steve were left in silence.

Steve never stood up, never turned, not even craned his neck to look at Bucky. Nothing. So really, what else could he do than slowly walk down to the man, steeling himself, take one last breath to calm his racing heart and sit down on the same bench.

“Steve?” his voice was so low, uncertain even after spending the better part of an hour preparing. It felt like he was screaming in the silence.

The blonde turned just enough to face him.

“You staying… This isn’t payback, is it?” he croaked out.

“And why would I do that?” And, differently from the first time they had this conversation, Steve sounded genuinely confused and no at all sarcastic.

Bucky scoffed, “Because I left you so many times before? Training, war, falling, at the river, going under, Thanos… I always left and you always the one waiting. Now though,” Bucky glanced at Steve’s body, old and well-lived.

“No, it isn’t,” Steve said. A voice came in his head came, _Don’t think so high of yourself, Barnes. Clearly Steve doesn’t._ “Plus, half those times weren’t even your fault, Buck,” Steve gave him a sad smile.

The words were out of his mouth before he could shut up. “Then why?”

Steve turned fully towards Bucky then, and reached a hand to cover Bucky’s one closer to him. Bucky’s skin tingled at the contact.

“I love you, Bucky. I did and I do, always have. I just loved her more.”

He pulled his hand away like it was fire on his skin.

 _Why don’t you love me? Why couldn’t you just love me? Why couldn’t you love me more?_ He wanted to ask, but his lips weren’t answering.

The metal in his arm caught the light and shone right into his eye, as if reminding him of the why. After everything he did, after who he became, did he really expected to be the one Steve Rogers chose?

“She was the love of my life, Bucky.”

And how much more could his heart take without literally shattering?

They were silent for quite some time after that.

“You know, Steve,” Bucky started, quietly, “I’ve been second choice before. And it never really bothered me, until… ” He focused his eyes on the younger – older? – man’s eyes – “Until I was _your_ second choice.”

“Bucky-”

Bucky shrugged, hands back in fists inside his pockets.

“I don’t need to hear it. Just tell me this: did you change the past?”

The blue, clear eyes of the younger man focused on his.

“No.”

Oh. Oh. Bucky couldn’t even blink. So wars, conflicts, deaths, Bucky in Hydra’s hands… Steve knew about it all, but he didn’t do anything.

“I’m happy, Buck. Isn’t that enough?”

Where was the guy that even when he couldn’t even defend himself defended others? Where was the guy who wanted to do the right thing? Who was the guy sitting in front of him, saying he did something utterly selfish and pleading for it to be enough? Guess he ceased existing just like the guy who had Bucky’s back no matter what. Bucky just wished he could say he moved on too.

“For the longest time I’ve wanted you to be happy, Steve. It was one of the first things that came back actually, long before myself. Keep Steve Rogers safe and happy. Safe and happy,” he repeated almost to himself.

Bucky stood up, brushed his pants and tucked his hands inside his pockets again.

“You were right, pal: this really is the end of the line.”

Bucky left the love of his life on the bench and walked to his bike while humming the song it held so many memories from a happier time for the pair.

_“Haven’t felt like this, my dear, since can’t remember when_

_It’s been a long, long time”_

Oh, if he only knew.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're pissed at the end of Endgame, at how they fucked Steve's arc and how Stucky didn't happen, join me and leave a comment!
> 
> Let's rant together :)
> 
>  
> 
> Or on Tumblr


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